Today

Today has been rough for me.  I don't know why.  It seems like nothing really triggered it but my heart is heavy with thoughts of Abigail and of my girls together.

I had plans to do a few things today but they ended up falling through and I was thankful for it.

I miss her.  I miss her so much.  I think of how right now, I would've been waddling around with a big 8 month pregnant belly and that her nursery would've likely been finished by now.  Instead, what would've been her room hasn't been touched.  There are boxes and baby gear everywhere.  There are a couple of bags filled with decorations that I had bought for her room in the same spot I left them a few months back.  Everything is where it was, untouched and I can't bring myself to go in there.  I think of how about now, I would've been getting Isabel's clothes out, washing and organizing them for our Abigail.  With Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner, I am heavily reminded of her due date and that she would've been spending her first Christmas with us this year.

I am reminded of her when Isabel runs up to me crying because she misses her sister.  I am reminded of her when Isabel asks to look at her photo book, prays that all babies be born alive and draws pictures of our family of four.  I say, I am reminded of her but really, I need no reminder, she is always on my mind and in my heart.

I love thinking of her.  I love talking about her and I especially love it when Isabel talks of her little sister with so much love.  I think of her every day and things everywhere remind me of her and I really do love it but it makes my heart hurts.  And even though, it hurts, I would rather think of her and talk about her than not.  She is and will always be a part of our family.  I know some don't like to bring her up because I end up in tears but I truly appreciate it when they do.

I've realized that grieving is a process.  Some days, I take leaps forward, while other days, I take a step back.  But even in the harder days where it feels like I've taken a step back, I know that there is healing and tomorrow, I will take another leap forward.  And in my darkest days, I know that my wonderful, always constant, always loving God is with me.  He is always with me.

O death, where is thy sting?  O grave, where is thy victory? - 1 Corinthians 15:55

My God is victorious and in the end, He always wins.  So in Christ alone, my HOPE is found and I know that I will have eternity with my dear Abigail.  Wow.  Eternity.  That is so so so wonderful to know.