My Dear Abigail,
There are no words that can
truly describe the love we have for you and what you are to us but I feel the
need to anyway. And though, I know this
letter is more for me, I like to think that you could read it too.
There is so much that I want
you to know. I want you to know how
loved you are, from long before God placed you in my tummy. We prayed for you, we praised God for you
before we even knew you, Isabel longed for a baby sister and thanked God for
her “baby sister in mommy’s tummy” long we knew you were a girl. You were many answered prayers and in your
short life, brought us so much joy.
I loved touching you over my
belly and dancing with you in there.
Did you feel it?
I loved talking to you and letting you know that we loved you so much and so did our Heavenly Father.
Did you hear me?
I loved when I first felt you move and every kick after that. I loved watching you suck your thumb at our ultrasounds. I was kind of excited about that because Isabel never sucked her thumb and I think it’s pretty stinkin' cute.
I loved how much I felt you
move. I pictured what an active little
girl you’d be once you were born. I pictured me nursing you and our sleepless
nights. I pictured you snuggled on me
and that sweet little smile; oh, and that ever so sweet baby smell. I pictured us dancing around in the
kitchen. I pictured Isabel being such a
helpful and loving sister with you.
I pictured having girl days with you both. I thought of us making cookies and how you’d
likely sneak a ball of cookie dough just like your big sis. I pictured your baby dedication and how
beautiful your baptism would be. Shortly
after you left us, they had water baptisms at our church. I usually cry through these because they are
so beautiful. There was a little girl,
about 10 years old or so and as she sprung up from the water, I saw her smiling
face and I cried. But this time, I cried
because in that moment, I felt my heart sink as I realized I would never get to
experience this with you. This happens sometimes. I pictured 2
teenage girls in our home and how Daddy would likely need lots of Daddy time
during those years. Just kidding, kind
of. I pictured Daddy walking you down
the isle to marry the man that I had already started praying for, for you. I pictured you in every part of my life, baby
girl, every single part.
Now, I picture you in
Heaven. I picture you in our Heavenly
Father’s arms. I picture you surrounded
by angels and I picture that sweet sweet smile. This helps calm my heart.
You changed the world. Do you know that? You changed my world. I don’t see things like I use to. My priorities have changed. I am stronger because of you. I have the courage to do things I wouldn’t
have done before you. You have made me
brave, oh so brave. I am also much more vulnerable. I care more deeply and appreciate so much
more than before.
Thank you for changing me.
I love you so much my sweet
girl. I long to hold you in my arms
again and I know the next time I do, there will be so much joy in us and around
us.
I love you with all of my
heart,
Your forever mommy (you would’ve
likely called me “mama”, “mommy”, "mami", “mom”…)
