THANK YOU!!

Can I just say thank you, again?!

I have probably said it hundreds of times over the last few months but I really am so abundantly, incredibly and overwhelmingly thankful.  I'm thankful for all the prayers, love and support.  I'm thankful for my wonderful friends and family who have made sure that we didn't walk this journey alone.  Oh, SO thankful.

Man, I have some amazing friends and family.  I really do and it has truly showed.  Sigh...can I really not think about this without crying, nope, not lately, I can't.  It's okay.  They are happy tears because God is my KING and you all are so AWESOME.

Times like these, make me realize that relationships are so intentional.  I see how God brings people into our lives who compliment us and build each other up. They are there through it all.  Relationships are meant for good, to do good.  That is how God intended it to be and that is how it should be.  Relationships are healthy for the mind, body and soul.  They are food for our heart and boy, have I been fed really good food.

I have seen our God given friends give so selflessly of their love, time and tangibly.

If you know me, you know I don't like to receive help, ever, in any way.  I prefer to be the giver.  But after losing my dear Abigail, it changed some.  I realized that I needed so much because I didn't have much to give, not even for myself.  When I could barely hold the broken pieces of my heart together, an army of friends and family came to my care.  And the best part is, that I never had to ask.  Seriously, that is AMAZING!

So if you're going through something difficult and could use some help, please be open to it.  It will not only help you with whatever it is they are doing for you but it will fill your heart with so much gratitude and that is something nice to feel through the grief.

To all my friends and family who have prayed for us and with us, talked, messaged, texted and visited us, shared your story, been a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, brought us meals, dropped off treats, gifted us Abigail memorabilia and amazingly thoughtful gifts, helped plan and set up Abigail's memorial, filled our home with beautiful flowers and plants, brought Isabel gifts to fill her time and her heart, and so much more, THANK YOU, from every inch of our heart, we thank you.

Joy

Joy.

After losing my dear Abigail and feeling that depth of grief, I honestly wasn't sure how I would be able to smile again.  Once I was able to smile again, I wasn't sure how I would be joyful again.  Sitting here, I realize that joy remained and as I reflect on the last couple of months, I know how it was ever possible.

How can I feel sadness but also have joy?  I feel sadness because I miss my Abigail but I have joy because I know who God is to me.  

God's word tells us that joy is a choice and we should not be moved by our trials.  I had never gone through a trial like this that had truly tested me until now.  This is how I know that joy is something we find in Christ.  Some days I think it's crazy.  Seriously, crying mid day but feeling joyful throughout.  It certainly looks crazy.

Sometimes it's difficult to not let our circumstances steal us of our joy, especially when horrible things happen to us and we feel like our world is coming down around us.  I'm not going to tell you that I didn't have days where it felt like my world was crumbling down around me.  I had those days.  I had days where I would wake up crying and fall asleep crying.  I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that would wake me up at night only to cry some more.  I cried out to God.  I wanted answers.  Some answers, I now have but others I don't.  I was angry but I wasn't angry with God.  I didn't blame Him.  But through it all, I had HOPE.  My hope and joy remained, even in my darkest days.  I know that this was only possible because of my relationship with Christ.  I know who He is and who He is to me and because of that, I was able to keep my joy through it all.

It's almost indescribable.  How good is our God that He equips us with what we need in this life?  So good!

Joy is a choice.  Happiness is a feeling.  May we always choose joy.

Psalm 16:11, ESV
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

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If you are reading this and have gone through something similar or have experienced any kind of grief, I am praying for you.

Heavenly Father.  I thank you for the dear person reading this.  I thank you that you love them unconditionally and that your love is so great.  I pray that you bless them abundantly as they grieve.  I pray for good people to be sent to them to lift them up and share your word and love with them.  I pray that they are able to choose joy and hold onto hope in you knowing that you are their constant.  I command any chains that are holding them back to be broken, in Jesus name.  Thank you for your love and for healing their heart.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Today

Today has been rough for me.  I don't know why.  It seems like nothing really triggered it but my heart is heavy with thoughts of Abigail and of my girls together.

I had plans to do a few things today but they ended up falling through and I was thankful for it.

I miss her.  I miss her so much.  I think of how right now, I would've been waddling around with a big 8 month pregnant belly and that her nursery would've likely been finished by now.  Instead, what would've been her room hasn't been touched.  There are boxes and baby gear everywhere.  There are a couple of bags filled with decorations that I had bought for her room in the same spot I left them a few months back.  Everything is where it was, untouched and I can't bring myself to go in there.  I think of how about now, I would've been getting Isabel's clothes out, washing and organizing them for our Abigail.  With Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner, I am heavily reminded of her due date and that she would've been spending her first Christmas with us this year.

I am reminded of her when Isabel runs up to me crying because she misses her sister.  I am reminded of her when Isabel asks to look at her photo book, prays that all babies be born alive and draws pictures of our family of four.  I say, I am reminded of her but really, I need no reminder, she is always on my mind and in my heart.

I love thinking of her.  I love talking about her and I especially love it when Isabel talks of her little sister with so much love.  I think of her every day and things everywhere remind me of her and I really do love it but it makes my heart hurts.  And even though, it hurts, I would rather think of her and talk about her than not.  She is and will always be a part of our family.  I know some don't like to bring her up because I end up in tears but I truly appreciate it when they do.

I've realized that grieving is a process.  Some days, I take leaps forward, while other days, I take a step back.  But even in the harder days where it feels like I've taken a step back, I know that there is healing and tomorrow, I will take another leap forward.  And in my darkest days, I know that my wonderful, always constant, always loving God is with me.  He is always with me.

O death, where is thy sting?  O grave, where is thy victory? - 1 Corinthians 15:55

My God is victorious and in the end, He always wins.  So in Christ alone, my HOPE is found and I know that I will have eternity with my dear Abigail.  Wow.  Eternity.  That is so so so wonderful to know.

My God is so good

My God.

The King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  You are my strength and my comfort.  You carry me through every storm.  You love me so much.  You never change.  You are my constant.  You are my HOPE.

These last couple of months have been the most difficult of my flesh but through my storm, I have felt you so close.  I have felt your peace cover me, I have heard your voice and felt you next to me.  I have seen you work through my friends and family and even strangers to show me how much you love me.  You know exactly what I need before I ever do and you have provided for those needs.  From the day I first found out that my little Abigail had already been with you for a couple of days, you were there, present, talking to me, and loving me.

I have never felt so loved.  How is this even possible considering I just endured such a great loss.  How can it be that during the hardest time in my life, I have felt so incredibly loved and not just so loved but I have never felt this loved.  Only you, God.  Thank you.  Thank you for healing my broken heart.

You are so good.

A letter to my daughter, Abigail

My Dear Abigail,

There are no words that can truly describe the love we have for you and what you are to us but I feel the need to anyway.  And though, I know this letter is more for me, I like to think that you could read it too.

There is so much that I want you to know.  I want you to know how loved you are, from long before God placed you in my tummy.  We prayed for you, we praised God for you before we even knew you, Isabel longed for a baby sister and thanked God for her “baby sister in mommy’s tummy” long we knew you were a girl.  You were many answered prayers and in your short life, brought us so much joy.

I loved touching you over my belly and dancing with you in there. 

Did you feel it?

I loved talking to you and letting you know that we loved you so much and so did our Heavenly Father. 

Did you hear me?

I loved when I first felt you move and every kick after that.  I loved watching you suck your thumb at our ultrasounds.  I was kind of excited about that because Isabel never sucked her thumb and I think it’s pretty stinkin' cute. 

I loved how much I felt you move.  I pictured what an active little girl you’d be once you were born. I pictured me nursing you and our sleepless nights.  I pictured you snuggled on me and that sweet little smile; oh, and that ever so sweet baby smell.  I pictured us dancing around in the kitchen.  I pictured Isabel being such a helpful and loving sister with you.  I pictured having girl days with you both.  I thought of us making cookies and how you’d likely sneak a ball of cookie dough just like your big sis.  I pictured your baby dedication and how beautiful your baptism would be.  Shortly after you left us, they had water baptisms at our church.  I usually cry through these because they are so beautiful.  There was a little girl, about 10 years old or so and as she sprung up from the water, I saw her smiling face and I cried.  But this time, I cried because in that moment, I felt my heart sink as I realized I would never get to experience this with you.  This happens sometimes.  I pictured 2 teenage girls in our home and how Daddy would likely need lots of Daddy time during those years.  Just kidding, kind of.  I pictured Daddy walking you down the isle to marry the man that I had already started praying for, for you.  I pictured you in every part of my life, baby girl, every single part.

Now, I picture you in Heaven.  I picture you in our Heavenly Father’s arms.  I picture you surrounded by angels and I picture that sweet sweet smile. This helps calm my heart.  

I want to know everything I can about Heaven.  I wish I could see it through your eyes.

You changed the world.  Do you know that?  You changed my world.  I don’t see things like I use to.   My priorities have changed.  I am stronger because of you.  I have the courage to do things I wouldn’t have done before you.  You have made me brave, oh so brave.  I am also much more vulnerable.  I care more deeply and appreciate so much more than before.

Thank you for changing me.   

I love you so much my sweet girl.  I long to hold you in my arms again and I know the next time I do, there will be so much joy in us and around us. 

I love you with all of my heart,

Your forever mommy (you would’ve likely called me “mama”, “mommy”, "mami", “mom”…)