A letter to my daughter, Abigail

My Dear Abigail,

There are no words that can truly describe the love we have for you and what you are to us but I feel the need to anyway.  And though, I know this letter is more for me, I like to think that you could read it too.

There is so much that I want you to know.  I want you to know how loved you are, from long before God placed you in my tummy.  We prayed for you, we praised God for you before we even knew you, Isabel longed for a baby sister and thanked God for her “baby sister in mommy’s tummy” long we knew you were a girl.  You were many answered prayers and in your short life, brought us so much joy.

I loved touching you over my belly and dancing with you in there. 

Did you feel it?

I loved talking to you and letting you know that we loved you so much and so did our Heavenly Father. 

Did you hear me?

I loved when I first felt you move and every kick after that.  I loved watching you suck your thumb at our ultrasounds.  I was kind of excited about that because Isabel never sucked her thumb and I think it’s pretty stinkin' cute. 

I loved how much I felt you move.  I pictured what an active little girl you’d be once you were born. I pictured me nursing you and our sleepless nights.  I pictured you snuggled on me and that sweet little smile; oh, and that ever so sweet baby smell.  I pictured us dancing around in the kitchen.  I pictured Isabel being such a helpful and loving sister with you.  I pictured having girl days with you both.  I thought of us making cookies and how you’d likely sneak a ball of cookie dough just like your big sis.  I pictured your baby dedication and how beautiful your baptism would be.  Shortly after you left us, they had water baptisms at our church.  I usually cry through these because they are so beautiful.  There was a little girl, about 10 years old or so and as she sprung up from the water, I saw her smiling face and I cried.  But this time, I cried because in that moment, I felt my heart sink as I realized I would never get to experience this with you.  This happens sometimes.  I pictured 2 teenage girls in our home and how Daddy would likely need lots of Daddy time during those years.  Just kidding, kind of.  I pictured Daddy walking you down the isle to marry the man that I had already started praying for, for you.  I pictured you in every part of my life, baby girl, every single part.

Now, I picture you in Heaven.  I picture you in our Heavenly Father’s arms.  I picture you surrounded by angels and I picture that sweet sweet smile. This helps calm my heart.  

I want to know everything I can about Heaven.  I wish I could see it through your eyes.

You changed the world.  Do you know that?  You changed my world.  I don’t see things like I use to.   My priorities have changed.  I am stronger because of you.  I have the courage to do things I wouldn’t have done before you.  You have made me brave, oh so brave.  I am also much more vulnerable.  I care more deeply and appreciate so much more than before.

Thank you for changing me.   

I love you so much my sweet girl.  I long to hold you in my arms again and I know the next time I do, there will be so much joy in us and around us. 

I love you with all of my heart,

Your forever mommy (you would’ve likely called me “mama”, “mommy”, "mami", “mom”…)